An Evening In The Park...After Dark....

 
Hello Luvs,
Wow..Summer is upon us and we know this how??? Because we attended the very first "concert in the park" in Plymouth, Michigan's "Kellogg park"! Every year starting with Memorial day weekend, Friday; they start the kickoff of Summer time with starting the concerts that happen every Friday night and all Summer long! It's an annual family thing and then as your kids grow up and leave the "nest"; it becomes the place to be on Friday nights with your "honey" or someone that you love ...or even a group of friends is fun to go with too!
   Usually it starts out with eating Al-Fresco (outdoors, just in case you aren't familiar with that term?? Well...I don't know who's from some far off place that doesn't like to have outdoor seating during dinner at the time of year when it's all possible). We started out eating at the famous "Box Bar" in downtown Plymouth,MI. We did choose to eat outdoors and it was great! You get to see the hustle and bustle of all the people, groups of teens and many dogs and their owners! It's really a riot to go there even if just for the "people watching"!!
   We sat awhile after dinner just listening to the music. It was "Bugs Beddows" blues band! They're OK, familiar and show up each year! They cracked me up trying to play that "LMFAO" song that's so popular right now...I was waiting for the guy with the box on his head to come out from behind the stage and start dancing!! He cracks me right up!! As we made our way over to the park area, we saw so many dogs dressed up in little outfits and in their own little strollers, just like a "baby"!! It was pretty funny !! Then to see the large Mountain dogs trying to sniff butt's with a French poodle...now THAT was entertaining to say the least! OK...Ok..that was sick...but it was pretty funny!
    We sat down and started out "people watching"....listening to the music and as usual. The occasional ex-student of my husband's would show up and act like he was supposed to remember them from a 2nd grade or 4th grade class, 25 years ago when they were 7 yrs old and he looked the same but they'd really changed! LOL..
   Next, we had a lady come up and offer to sell us some "Skittles" candies for one dollar to save some sort of group at the High school, but frankly, I cannot remember for the life of me, which group it was? I was however, interested in the "tropical Skittles", so for a buck, why not give 'em a hand, help a "cause" and get a sugar high all at the same time?? 
    As we were sitting there listening, watching and saying "hello" to people that we knew; of course I was checking "in" with my Iphone  every few minutes to see if I was "missing" something important! Ha Ha...as if I'm "that" important anyways?? LOL...Well...I had to check my "words with friends" app and also check to see if anyone had posted a new video to the "social cam" app!! I had to see if anyone had "tweeted"  me something I just could not miss and then check out "Facebook" to see if Brenda had had her baby yet? 
    Soooooo..............I'm going to take you back for one minute, to my Aunt Vera's funeral in June 2010. You're thinking..what does this have to do with "music in the park"?? WELL...just wait....OK...so we were at her funeral last year, right? Craig and I went together. We visited her often, and I did her nails and hair and we took her to the stores and church and did all kinds of things with her and for her. Never because we "had" to, but because we wanted to and she was my "Family" and she was kind and loving for the most part, to me. So at that funeral, there was a slide show and my husband and I were in it several times, with my Aunt. I was so pleased that her son, my cousin; had included us in the video.  Then there was the Eulogy, and my cousins husband was the minister. My cousins wife had told me once, that I was "an angel" to their family for helping with her mother in law, my aunt. That made me feel so good inside!
   There came a time when the minister asked if anyone had anything else to do or to say? I saw my father from 2 rows behind, he was alone (well he didn't bring my brother's or his girlfriend), but sitting with my other cousin and his wife. He was crying pretty hard as this big sister was like a "mother" to him since his mom died when he was 4 years old. Even though we hadn't spoken in years (that's another long story for another day but just remember that SSDI and my Psychologist had both said, that I am "the worst case of childhood trauma/abuse" that they'd seen in the last 35 yrs!)...he was still my father and I felt badly so I got up and all by myself, I bravely gave this man a hug. **( The man who'd helped turn my children against me; succeeded in turning my oldest daughter against all of us; while turning a blind eye to all of the illegal and immoral behaviors she was into! The man who'd hit me with  his bare hands, slapped me, used belts on me and broken his hand once on a car seatbelt when he stopped the car to "hit" me for fighting with my older brother (who turned out to be "bi-polar" and who was always horribly abusive during my whole life but nobody would help me or listen to me...they just always told me that I was "too sensitive" and that "I took everything too hard"). This is also the man who during my divorce from my children's father got letters together; letters against my ex-husband who was also abusive. Letters to give to the court regarding my own character reference and notes to prove that my ex had been abusive in front of him and them also!  This is also the father who told me to tell the hospital that I "fell down the stairs" and lie to the Dr's when I called him at work from a lady's house that I babysat for at age 13 years; because my mom had broken my left elbow because I'd asked to go ice skating with friends, she'd said "no" and I decided to call and ask my dad instead. To that she hit me with the telephone receiver and broke my elbow! She then proceeded to punch me in the face and temples over and over again with her knuckles; all the while, my oldest brother yelled for me to "cover your temples! cover your temples"! With my lip bleeding, he finally unlocked the front door so I could escape to call my father for help. My mom was telling the boys to "lock the doors" and "not let her out". But my oldest brother had sometimes tried to be my "protector" and he did let me out when he saw the blood on my lips and my elbow swollen like a baseball bat and all red too!)**
   OK...so back to the funeral...I had confronted my parents in 1997, they disowned me pretty much, told everyone that I was a "liar" of course (for their "good names sake"). Unimaginably, my aunts and uncles time 8, believed THEM instead of me!! Mostly, because they themselves had been abusive according to the stories that I've heard from many of my cousins! So ...I hugged him just because I do have a heart and I felt bad for him. He actually hugged me back. I cried and he cried. He shook my husband's hand and told him "thank you for taking care of Suzanne all of these years". To which I quickly responded "WE take care of each other!! No one takes "CARE" of me"!!  Then my cousin's husband, who was the minister yelled out "A miracle has taken place here today!" He meant that my dad and I hugged and he was hoping that years of "bad blood" was finally going to be over with! I was hoping for that also. I'm always willing to be forgiving and several times over if possible. 
    We went to the funeral grave site and my dad asked me or "TOLD" me to get into his pictures! I was really shocked that he'd want me in  his  pictures too! Wow..maybe things were going to change, I thought? Maybe we'd talk it out and get things straight and no more abusiveness lies, bullying etc...Well, that didn't happen....I knew why my dad's girlfriend wasn't with him. HE didn't want her to hear anything kind or nice about Me!! He knew that my cousins were kind to me and that something kind would be said and he/they'd lied so much to her about me, they couldn't have her hearing anything nice about me. 
    A year went by, then last Summer in June 2011,my husband and I were at Panera outdoor cafe' for dinner & music in the park.  I spotted my dad's girlfriend (as I'd only seen her in pictures) sitting by herself at an outdoor table. He must've been inside getting food or something? I decided to politely walk up to her and introduce myself...I said "Hello Shirley...my name is Suzanne...I"m Bill's daughter...Jessy's mom." She looked at me with a threatening horrifying look. I think that if looks "could kill"...I'd be dead right now from her look! She got up and walked the long way around the table and said nothing to me and left! OMG!! Who does this to any other human being? Let alone one that they've never met!! Who makes a 100% idea of who someone is based on other's opinions of the person and never having met me herself!!???
   Then I was so stunned but saw my dad come out looking for her and not acknowledging me or us at all! She motioned to him and they left without a word to me or to us. But this was one year after I'd hugged him and he "allowed" me to hug him, in front of all those relatives! But you see when no one is watching, he can be is abusive self and since he'd done such a great job of painting me: "mean, coniving, crazy..." and whatever else, to her; he had to keep up the charade and pretend I was a "bad" daughter and person like he'd said already. You see, I confronted my parents years ago in 1997 and they would not have any of it. They called me horrible names including "liar" and much worse to keep their own overblown opinions of themselves in a "good light"; especially in front of others.
     So that night I was pretty stunned and upset as you can imagine? If you want to read about it, there is a blog about it in this blog in or about last June 2011. You can read the whole story of that night at that blog post. But for now I'll just tell you that the other night at the park, I'd not done anything or seen him or her since that last escapade where Shirley treated me like a "dog" or worse and my father allowed it and even did it also.  
    Then last Friday, while we were sitting in the park, listening to the music and watching all of the people; my dad and his girlfriend walked by right in front of us and our chairs. I saw him/them coming and being the kind of person that I am (and I don't mean a "target for abuse" or a "stupid person looking for trouble" ), as in being forgiving, loving and usually very kind and always ready to "start over"; I yelled out to my father who was not more than 6 feet in front of me and I said "DAD!!!".... "DAD!!!"...he said nothing!!!!!!! He looked at me with his abusive, nasty, horribly mean face and motioned with his hands as if to say to me "get away"..."shut up and don't say a word"!!!!!! Shirley looked at me as if I was a "murderer" or someone even more horrible than anything I could ever imagine!?? She looked right at me and through me! My dad gave me a horrible and nasty look and motioned me to "get away and stop and don't come near me"!!! They walked on by..... I cried....and I cried.....and the people next to me said "OH MY GOODNESS!! THAT WAS YOUR FATHER????".... I said "YES....he's been abusive for my whole life, but I always am hoping for an end to the abusiveness and lies..."...they told me to "not even worry about it as he will get his in the end." The Lord has his own vengance and we don't have to do anything. It's all taken care of for us!
    OK...so now you know what my Aunt's funeral had to do with the "music in the park" night in town. My father can and will hug me in front of other people when it's good for him and makes him look like a "martyr" or makes him look like a "good man, good dad etc. But...when he's alone and no one is looking; except his girlfriend who's made a pact with the devil because I've never seen such a horrible face on anyone ...not ever...except when I was being abused!!!!!!!!!! He hugged me back at my aunt's funeral because people were "watching"...family was looking and no one that he cared about was really there! But when his girlfriend,my brothers or "others" are there, he treats me so abusively and horribly as if I am worse than the gunk under the toilet seat or under the bathroom sink when it's been leaking awhile!!! 
      Well...this is the third day later and I've not really slept much, my pain is very high due to stress and lack of sleep and that's not the ONLY "bad" thing that's happened lately! Yes...stupidly...I broke down and sent my oldest daughter a birthday card again. She turned 26 on May 22nd, 2012! I sent her a cute "Hello Kitty" card and I wrote inside "I love you and not a day goes by that I don't think of you! Happy 26th birthday"...Love, Momma*...I sent along a little tin box that when opened was filled with hershey kisses chocolates and words that read "You are my sunshine"!!!!!!That is what I always called her growing up..."my sunshine girl"...or "my sunshine"!!! I thought....or I always think somehow if I keep trying, that someday something good will happen. I miss her so much every day. My heart is literally broken so that I cry every day if only for a moment or two! My life is and has always been being a "momma". That's all I ever wanted to be and I got to be it and no one can really take it away from me. But now I am "momma" to one instead of two. I know that my youngest needs me and loves me and wants me as her "momma"...but it's still not like the "two girls" I always had. I will always be both of their mom's but not being able to hold or kiss or hug my oldest feels like a "death" and it's so sad because it's almost harder because there's no closure, no end in sight and I'm always a little bit or alot sad deep down inside. 
     It isn't fair to my husband or to my younger daughter. I try my best to be the best mother and wife that I can still be, under the circumstances...But it's just so hard. I never forget...it's in my sleeping hours, my waking hours, my nightmares..and then things like what happened with my dad and his horrifying girlfriend keep happening too!! Why don't I ever stop trying? Why don't I listen to my Psyhcologist? My Dr's, my friends, my youngest, my husband?? I guess because I'm never giving up hope...as long as I'm alive, I'm never giving up "hope"....
    This is why the word "HOPE" is so special to me. I had a necklace that I lost with the word "HOPE" on it ...I was so sad to lose it. I got a new one, a little bit different, for "Mother's day"...and now I wear that one...because I cannot give up my Hope or I feel that I will have nothing....I pray for the day that my oldest daughter and I can hug each other and make up ....As for my dad and brother's; it's too late for that now. I cannot be treated like this for so many years and though I still "love" my dad in my heart, I cannot be near him because he always hurts me and deep deep hurts and terrifying nightmarish hurts where one's own father takes one's own daughter away from her, turns her against her own mother!!??? And that...after years of starving, poisoning, hitting, slapping, punching, belting and punishing me...all for the sake of being "perfect"...because I asked them once "why do you do this to me?" My dad told me "your mother and I saw you born into the world and you were perfect! We want you to stay that way always...PERFECT!"....   Love, Suzanne

my youngest daughter's MASTER's Degree! Go Amy!!

my youngest daughter and me together at her MA degree graduation!

kids and a huge beach ball in the park that same evening!

a small doggie at the park, dressed for "Memorial day"..that same night too!

Time Interrupted....

Hello Luvs, 
Well I hope you are doing well? I am trying to feel better from something happening to my lower back. I mean worse than usual! I went to the Dr. for the problem about 2 weeks ago and though I have Degenerative Disc Disease already and RSD/CRPS in my full body, something has been worse lately and it feels like a nerve being pinched in my left side this time and lower back again or still. The Dr. agreed that it is a nerve being pinched and I got an injection of a steroid called "Saludmedrol" and it was a doozy!! Woo!!! It hurt like Hell!! Not so much when the nurse put it into my hip but for about 1/2 hour afterwards! But it sort of "knocked me out" and I fell asleep in the car on the way home. When I woke up, the next day it was about 50% better, but still will not go away and not getting much better!  But hey, that's enough about me and my pain. I hate to spend too much time worrying about it because it's not going away any time soon!
   It's been a pretty normal week except that a few different things happened that are worth noting! My daughter ,"A" went to a conference for Librarians and she mets someone from a University who wants to possibly hire her as a "business librarian"....that would be great huh?? Alot more money and prestige for sure! She's really got a great job now and is very happy though, so we'll see whatever she chooses to do. It is up to her. She is moving into her own apartment soon too! I'm super excited for her, but just a tad bit sad for me because I know as a "momma", she will be missed at home. I will miss those goodnight hugs and a kiss and her coming home late with excited stories to tell of the nights plans! I will miss our "coffee time" in the mornings before she goes off to work and our time at breakfast daily telling stories back and forth about our funny or scary dreams from the nights prior! There are many things I will miss but she will be not far away and never far from my heart! I can tweet her, skype her and email her any time! With the social media the way it is....I'll never be very far from her to communicate and now we even have the video phone calls and can see each other !! Though she's only moving a few miles away it will still seem weird at home when we don't have to leave a light on when we go to sleep on the weekends!
    I wonder.... I wonder when she'll marry ? I wonder if she'll want to get married and have children some day? It's all up to her, the world is her oyster! She is only 23 yrs old and has her whole life ahead of her and I cannot wait to see the story unfold!
   I missed so much of my older daughters adulthood or growing into adulthood life! She left at 18 yrs old and has told horrible "stories" that are untrue. It hurts me and us terribly because these things never happened...not ever. I don't know why she wanted or wants to "hurt" me still? I have never hurt her, hit her, called her names, been critical or mean or had anything but love in my heart and soul for her. I even used to go up to see her when she was in beauty school and let her wash, blow dry and curl my hair for me a weekly basis. I could do it myself but I wanted to see her and give her a tip and always wanted the possibility of taking her to lunch. But she took advantage of that by asking me to take her boss (who smoked into my face during the whole lunch time and made me pay for her meals), and her friends to lunch with us and that was the "condition" of going...therefore...I did it and willingly. I guess that makes it my own fault. I paid for all of their lunches while they made fun of me and blew cigarette smoke into my asthmatic lungs and into my face! Gosh, I was stupid! But is a mother's love ever "stupid"?
    I remember one day in particular when I went up to visit her at the Beauty school. She told me that the stylist/student next to her, in the next chair..had gotten "stiffed" by an older woman. The lady had gotten all of these things done to her hair as far as : cut, blow dry, curl, and possibly color? I don't remember all of it. But this woman had left without giving the girl next to my daughter, "J", a tip. Now my daughters both know that I'm a "sucker" when someone has been hurt or has had someone wrong them or be mean to them. I feel for them intensely and I want to help. I therefore gave this girl who's chair was next to "J's" chair, a $20.00 bill for a tip because my daughter told me that she had gotten low tips that day and then this older woman didn't give her anything at all!  I know...I know...it IS my fault! But I just can't help myself and they always knew it and know it. Most people close to me do know this about me.
   Well, life is precious. Time is wasted when someone stays angry for a long time at someone that they really love deep down inside. I have tried many times to "make up" with my oldest daughter. I've cried and I've texted and I've called her! We have met for lunch and I've brought gifts. I visited her at her apartment at 7:30am because that was the ONLY time she said I could come because she was so "busy". I did it even though I'm only allowed to drive 10 miles due to pain restrictions and Dr's orders! It was just less than 10 miles and my pain is so much worse very early in the morning and very late in the day. But I went because it was a chance to see her and show her how much I love her! She showed me how much she loved me by having many pictures out on shelves and all over her apartment....many pictures of her father, her 1/2 siblings and her friends....not one picture of us...not one picture of her and me. There was not even one picture anywhere in her apartment of me..not one! But there were pictures of her with her father. The father that wasn't there when she forgot her homework or when she was swimming in swim meets twice weekly for 3 yrs throughout high school! I just will never understand what truly happened between us because the things I've heard are lies and not true at all! It really hurts deep down into my heart and soul; that she would make up lies about me. I was the one there for her always...always and infinitey. I will still be there for her should she ever want me. Time is passing quickly and it cannot be brought back.
    We have a friend, for these purposes, I will call her "Poppy". She was my "chemo-angel" but not my "assigned" angel buddy. I chose to "angel" her on my own because her mom was really busy and wrote to the program a little too late for me to be her assigned angel and they assigned her two other "angels". That was OK because I did it anyways. I sent her a "tiger beanie baby" and she wrote to me and called it "Tuffy" the tiger, because she had just been told she had stage IV Oral Cancer and was in the fight of her life! She was so sweet and she really liked the special teas that I sent to her. Her mom told me that when she wanted tea, she would say "hey mom, let's have some "angel Suzanne tea"!! That made me feel really good!
   Well..."Poppy" lost the fight for her life yesterday with oral cancer, stage IV. It had spread to her pleural effusion, her brain and then her spine and bones. There was no more hope! Up until even Last Sunday, April 12, 2012 when she went to the 5K Baltimore Run/Walk for Oral Cancer, she still had on her "Michigan State" T-shirt and a hat with buttons standing up against oral cancer! People who participated with her and for her carried signs that said "Parade for Poppy" and "We love you Poppy"!!! I was a "virtual" runner and I tried to start my own team to raise money for her cause. I did it as best I could with only two weeks left until the day of the "run" because I didn't know about it early enough. I did raise $100.00 for her. I tried with what I could do best. I wrote everyone that I knew and asked for support; but people all have their own lives and money problems I suppose and with me giving $35.00 and my youngest daughter, "A" giving $20.00, that was more than 1/2 of the 100.00 that I raised. But a couple more people helped and I was happy to do what I could do for her. I had just grown to love her.
    Her mother cared about me, too. She knew that I adore "Hello Kitty" and she sent me a lanyard from the DC  "Cherry Festival" with cherries all over it! It's very cute! I will cherish it forever and it will always make me remember "Poppy" in my heart and mind. I will miss her in my writings to her. I will miss sending her teas. I had hoped she would beat this cancer because she was such a "tiger" herself! 
   "Poppy" started out with what she thought was a "canker sore" in her mouth for two months! She visited her dentist several times and then he sent her to an Oral Surgeon who did a biopsy and found it to be Oral Cancer. She went in for surgery and came out without 3/4 of her tongue and soft palate and the Dr's said it was stage 4 oral cancer! She was still going to fight hard and she did!! She gave it all she had! She tried eating healthy and putting all blended healthy foods into her feeding tube, because she could never swallow again. She kept on wretching on her own saliva  because she couldn't swallow on her own and she had to carry a suction tool with her at all times. 
    The cancer spread quickly and yet she wasn't giving up hope. It went to her pleural effusion and she didn't give up. It was painful and it was in her brain and the Dr's did "state of the art"...what was called "CYBER KNIFE" surgery on her brain. It left her frightened because her left arm went heavy and numb and things didn't seem right. The Dr's told her it was from the swelling and the surgery but it would get better. She then started this "5 k walk/run" in Baltimore not far from her DC area apartment. She wanted to raise money for her cause! She got alot of support and many people went there for her. She went in a wheelchair but also walked. 
    That was last Sunday and then on Monday they took her into E.R. because her pain was so bad, she was in tears. The Dr's told her the cancer was spreading to her bones. She decided to end all treatments and just center on pain relief fron then on. She only lived until Friday, yesterday at 4:05 pm. She went peacefully with her friends and family all around her! Her sister didn't walk in her own graduation from Masters school because they called her to come "NOW". She flew from Michigan with her father and met their mother and sister at the hospital....it was there that she breathed her last breath...she was loved ...she will be missed.
    Soooo if you have time lost with someone you love...please go and tell them that you love them! You cannot make up for lost time but you can make the time you have left, full of love and everything good! 
That's all I have to say today.... Goodbye for now...and Love and prayers to all....love, Suzanne

Thanks For The Memories......

The girls having a real Scottish TEA PARTY with their friends...at our house

My darling girls in matching outfits at the Toledo Zoo

Jessica, Goofy, Momma and Amy at Disneyworld Florida

Momma and her girls...Jessy 6 and Amy 4!!

Craig and Jessica Laughing with a goat at Disney Animal Kingdom!!

Craig doing the Pumpkin Carving with the girls! An Annual affair!!

My girls and me in Indian Guides at a Campout!! (My girls are on my lap!)

Amy and momma when Amy was on Jumprope team & Momma was coach!

 Hello Luvs,
   I've been sitting here today reminiscing about my "mommy days".  I know that I'm still a "mommy" and that I'll always be a "mommy"...but there were those "good old days" when I got to put my mommy-ing skills to work 24/7 and I loved every moment of it!! I loved it from the C-section (*well, OK maybe I didn't really enjoy the surgical parts...LOL...but the outcome, I must say was pretty awesome)!
     I did so much with my girls and for them that I cannot even remember all of it to write it down here. I just did what any Momma who always wanted to be  "Momma" would have done! I really and truly tried to "make up" for the fact that their dad was in and out of their lives (mostly 'Out') and that he moved 1,000 miles away and told them the day before "Fathers day" at one of Jessica's baseball games! OH Yes...I forgot...both girls played on T-ball, and girls softball at our church and/or at the Plymouth/Canton girls Softball league for several years running or about until the 3rd grade! After that it was dance lessons again and the other things I mentioned above. They always had CCD or "Religious Education Classes" on Tuesday nights! From Kindergarten through the 8th grade they did that and at the beginning I also taught Kindergarten CCD classes.  Tuesday nights or "CCD" nights were fun because we didn't have much money and that was the night I got them at daycare as quick as I could (but I always did that!!!) and we popped over to Wendy's, McDonalds's or Taco Bell!! Then I'd take them over to their Religous Ed. classes where they stayed until about 8:00 pm or so. After that, we went home and got ready for bed, watched a bit of TV in my bed together and then I'd read to them each together or separately (whatever they wished) and I sat on their toybox and sang songs to them nightly. Some of the songs that I sang were: "You are My Sunshine", "Mockingbird", "Daddy's Whiskers", Adelweiss and a few others! I loved it and lived for it actually!
     After a long day working at the University of Michigan Hospitals in Ann Arbor, MI;*(about a 35 minute drive from our apartment in Canton, MI...) I would pick them up at day care and we would then go to our apartment just across the street. I would make dinner, eat dinner, clean up from dinner and never asked them to help really. I don't know why? I should have taught them better and showed them how to be more helpful but I wanted them to be "kids" as long as possible. To me that meant having fun and doing their homework and not cleaning and/or helping me cook etc. They have plenty of time in their life for doing domestic services and I just wanted them to be happy and have a nice time after they finally did get to come "home"! I guess now I would do it differently if I had known then, what I know now! LOL....I should've taught them and showed them how much I had to do and that we were a "team" and we all should pitch in and help. I wish I'd done that and for that I admit that I was wrong! But still, that doesn't make me a "bad" mother!! I tried to be the very best mother that I could be! I had to really be a mom and dad for many of those younger years.
   It's funny because I never liked carving a pumpkin. To me, that was a "dad job". But my girls wouldn't have done it or had it if I hadn't gotten my friend, Jeff, to come over and be my friend and carve a pumpkin with the girls at Halloween time! I still remember those times and I appreciated his help so much. I'm glad that I always told him! Another thing that I had a hard time with was teaching the girls to ride their "two wheeler" bike! I would grab anyone and everyone to help me run behind them and along side of them because I was so afraid of them falling and knocking their teeth out or something! But we got through all of those times!! We even got through a couple of Christmas's when I had hardly any money to buy them gifts and I couldn't let them down!
    What I did those years was really use my imagination; and it paid off in the end! They say those were some of their favorite Christmas childhood memories now! One year the church and the Domestic Violence Shelter gave me quite a few toys, dolls and games to give them under the tree. I was quite appreciative and tried to "pay back" the shelter especially, when I got re-married and re-established into a more normal lifestyle to where I could give back!  Another year that I remember was when they wanted all "baby stuff" for their dolls for Christmas! How was I going to afford real baby seats, clothing and diapers etc?? They each had their favorite dolls. Jessy had "baby dear" and Amy had her "blonde baby dear" or her "Mary" doll.  Here's what I did: We came home from daycare/work one night in November and their favorite dolls were gone but a note from SANTA CLAUS was left for them! It said that He "had taken their dolls to the North Pole to fix them all up nicely and he would bring them back on Christmas eve"! They were filled with surprise and wild-eyed childlike excitement! It was spectacular! 
   When Christmas morning came it was the best ever! I had gone to the resale shop and gotten: bibs, bottles, baby seats (one for each) and baby diapers, blankets, booties etc.!!! They were in awe when they woke up and saw THEIR own dolls back from the North Pole from Santa's House and workshop. Their baby dolls had new clothes and bonnets on their heads. They had their ears pierced, some baby items and they were sitting in REAL baby seats!! Oh it was really special to watch their excitement. I feel excited and so happy right now just thinking about these memories! Thank you for allowing me to share them with you! 

 

Little Girl's Tears, All Grown & still Crying......

***this is the letter my Uncle sent to me after speaking to my Dr...in about 1998-99...He told me "never tell anyone that I wrote this .." *I  decided that so many years have gone by that it's OK now to share...

this older woman is the baby in the pix below

Christine and her mom...her mom was my Aunt Amy's daughter given up at birth for adoption....

this is my Aunt Amy's baby girl "Margaret Gabrielle" with her adoptive mom

this is my moms family and my mom "Patsy" is 2nd from rt. /middle row w/polka dots!

just a little added reminder that it's not me!

Hello luvs, 

Well...not a cheery "hello" I'm afraid today...I want to be happy and "chipper" for you and bring you a happy go-lucky post, but it's just been a horrible few days and I'm at my wits end with everything happening ! 

  First off...I'll tell you a short recap of what's been going on...Ok..so I met an old 2nd cousin of mine about a year ago and I "friended" her on Facebook  and she didn't have contact yet with anyone else in the family, except for me. She was my mom's cousins' daughter, Maureen. I never told her about the abuse I've suffered and I never mentioned anything bad about any of my relatives because I just wanted to leave that out and have a nice friendship with her. I shared many "old" pictures with her that my grandmother had given to me. I gave her the names and emails and facebook names of the relatives I thought she'd want to find. I was really nice to her!

  A few days later, Maureen "unfriended" me and without any notice or reason! I have no idea why she did that and when I wrote to her on inbox, she never would write back to me! Can you even believe it? I can ..only because it involves MY abusive and horrible, mean, vindictive, hurtful "family" (including: father, 2 brothers, maternal aunts,uncles and cousins!!! my paternal cousins are nothing but nice and kind and loving towards me. They even called me their family's "angel" for helping with their mom, my Aunt Vera for the years before she died. They said that because I enjoyed going there with my husband and well...I would do her hair, color it, curl it and I loved doing her nails and polishing them! I decorated her door at the assisted living place where she lived. I did that for every holiday or /and season and she loved it! We would take her out to eat and eat there and bring dinner over and even take her to the "music in the park" sometimes. One time she even saw and old 'flame' or "boyfriend" of hers and he was in the "big band" musical show! LOL....

   Well..anyways...so I was on Ancestry.com in early, 2011.  I found a lot of relatives (mostly deceased) and got my "tree" all nicely put together. When one day I received an email from "Christine". She assured me she was "really my cousin" and that she'd "prove we were related". She showed me the papers from my grandmother's trip from Scotland over here to Detroit, MI in 1926 etc...So I knew she was "really" "real"...She and I became friends and this time I decided to tell her about all of the abuse I've endured and suffered at the hands of my extended and biological family members! It's so horrific that the SSDI when I was approved for that, they said that I was "the worst childhood trauma/abuse case they'd seen in the last 35 years"!! Just to let you know that my Dr's have said the exact same thing. One of my Dr's even said after "talking with my parents, she got a sick feeling in her stomach that never happens because she meets all kinds of people!" She said that they were "evil" and it literally made her "ill".  My one Uncle from SD even called there for me and though he told me not to ever tell anyone, he hasn't been kind to me for over 10 yrs so I guess it's OK to talk now about it. He called to my Dr's office and told them that he "validated everything I told them and more!" He told them that the "only thing my mom and dad loved was themselves"!! He told him alot of stuff that made me very validated and though the Dr already 100% believed in me...it still was good for her to hear! Then he wrote me a letter telling me that when my mother was 11 or 12 yrs old , my grandmother, his mother also "pushed my mom and punched her so badly that she "passed out" and fell down the stairs!" He said that my grandmother told her 11 or 12 yr old girl that she was "faking"! This is where the abuse started and it ended with ME! I  never have laid a hand or a finger on my girls! I wouldn't hurt a hair on their heads ...not ever! I was so totally 100% opposite that I was too nice and gave in to them too much probably!

   So..to make a long story shorter...I met another cousin on Ancestery.com this past Summer and have been talking with her online since then. I gave her many pictures and postcards and such of her real biological grandmother, my Aunt Amy's stuff! My great-Aunt Amy was a favorite to me and she loved me and my mother so much that she just treated me/us special and I was a pen pal to and with her for years! Anyways...so I was nice to this real cousin that I met online. She happens to be the granddaughter, the daughter of the daughter that my great aunt had to give up for adoption when she was born out of wedlock in the 1920's. It was because that's just what they  had to do in those days! She was looking for "family" and she found me! I was eccstatic because I have no one else except for my one younger daughter and my husband (and many wonderful friends, thank goodness!).

    I was going to go this Summer with my husband and meet up with Christine, that is her name. I decided to be totally up front first...this time around. I told her everything and I told her how my aunts and uncles and cousins have all turned against me and hurt me and lied and lie about me and it hurts so much! They don't know me and have never tried to get to know me. Even my "ONE" cousin, Mary, who does talk to me and who has lunch at times with me..her own sisters think I'm just "nuts"like my parents and brothers...but I'm not! My Dr's have said that they are "surprised that I'm not crazy or dead considering all that I've endured!" But I told Christine everything. She said she "wouldn't want to be friends with people who were mean to me anyways" and she was so "happy to have found me!" Well....somewhere along the line...someone found her or she was trolling around on Ancestry.com and found my cousin, Carolyn. Now she's always treated me like dirt (or shit actually if you want to keep it real!). She hates me for confronting my parents about the abuse  because she never had the guts to do it with her parents! 

   Well, Christine "friended" all of my abusers now on Facebook and they friended her and now I've been hurt. I tried to talk to her but she said "settle down"....blah blah blah...It wasn't good enough! I have been so hurt and upset. Even her daughter tried to tell me that I'm the "first Miller cousin they found and they want to keep me ...yada yada yada"... but I told them that "I would NEVER want to be friends with people who've hurt YOU and I cannot understand why you would be friends with people who've hurt me? ...and who still continue to hurt me today!!! Then her daughter was trying to be kind but still said that they wouldn't "leave me" but her mom wants them all now I guess...I'm assuming then that "Quantity" is more important to Christine than "Quality"!

  I ended up writing to them and "unfriending" them for now on Facebook because I cannot deal with the reopening the wounds and pouring salt in them! It's hurts me and it's not right! Would YOU want to make friends with people who abused, and hurt someone that you had met and who'd sent you old pictures and things  and cared so much about you when your husband died and was there for you? Well I was there for Christine and she promised me that she didnt want to meet the people who treated me badly! But then I went on her page and their they all were...one by one...down the page...laughing and sharing pictures that I HAD GIVEN to her! I had also given the pictures to my other cousins in the past! It just hurts because I wouldn't want to know people who were abusive to the point of helping to turn someones daughter away from them and sticking by the persons abusive and crazy parents/brothers..I would want to stick by the "good" and "kind" person and realize that being "friends" with all of them is a way for them to hurt me more and they are doing it on purpose while she thinks they just want to be friends. 

  I'm just "sick" about it all...Please God forgive me but I tried it the other way first...being closed mouth and saying nothing and it backfired on me and they took that cousin away and she never would even tell me "WHY?"...or what happened exactly?? Although I do know for sure what happened..just not exactly who or how it happened! Then this time I was open and up front and I got really "burned" again..I cannot win! These people are the most despicable people I never had the "pleasure" to call my "family"..I'm disgusted...I cannot believe that My Uncle Greg from SD even was here time after time again and has never stopped to see or talk to me! Knowing what I've been going through too! They all know that since 2002, I've been through "Hell" and back! I've been in a horrible car accident and had several multiple injuries and surgeries ..NONE of which ANY of my family was there for me..NOT ONE TIME even!! Then in 2004 they aided my father and brothers and ex-husband in brainwashing my oldest daughter and thus "taking her away from me" and telling her lies and horrible things about me that are 100% false! They brainwashed her and she was vulnerable because her own father had left when she was 5, he left me for an 18 yr old girl (who later dumped him). He was abusive and he hit me, punched our dog in the neck and head and much much worse. In fact, he was found "guilty" by a jury of some bad stuff and hurting another girl besides just me! But my daughter "didn't like our house rules and didn't like the pain and surgeries that were actually MY pain and MY surgeries!" She left, she's still gone and it's been 8 yrs and she hangs out with the likes of those people that Christine wants to be "friends with on Facebook and in life!~! Then I had a heart pacemaker placed in 2003, I had a heart attack in 2005, a stroke or CVA in 2006 and then got RSD/CRPS full body~ systemic/ in 2007! It is the most painful disease known to mankind at this time and is right up there with cancer on the pain scale! I have the "numbers" if anyone wants to know ..(it's #42 on the McGill pain scale and so is non-terminal cancer)...Do you know that NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE was there for me during ANY of the bad incidents from 2002 and up til now !

   My spirit is crushed once again...I looked and I had 812 people on my facebook friends list!! I just did not "KNOW" them all so I had to "unfriend" 300 of them ...just the ones that I didn't even actually talk to or "meet "...I had to do it for my own sanity...

   Thank you for reading and I hope you can understand it the way I see it and Ive been praying about it so much and this is what I must do to keep myself sane and safe from more harm!Regardless...she made her choice and I know she' ll find out for herself soon or she will be so much like them, that it won't matter! I'm crushed and my spirit is being broken, therefore I have to try and save that little bit of spirit that I have left! Thank you Luvs, for reading...come back again...below are a few pictures that you may find interesting...love to you and yours...Suzanne 

me/ the daughter...

this is Aunt Amy's baby given up at birth for adoption (not by choice really)..her name was "Margaret Gabrielle"

        this was my momma.."Patsy"..it started here...with her...and the letter my Uncle Greg sent to me is about this little girl who was about 12 during the time of this picture.   

Happy Birthday to "US"!!!!!

Craigs Birthday Brownies that Amy made for him!

Blowing out the candles on his birthday!

Hello Luvs,
Well, today we are heading on the down slide of Winter here in Michigan! My 50th birthday was yesterday! Craig turned 58 on February 5th and we also celebrated our 15th Wedding Anniversary on Valentines day this year! This is the month of many celebrations! 
   Craig's birthday was wonderful! He turned 58 yrs. young! We spent the day together and went out to dinner at "Deliziosa's", our favorite little out of the way spot that has the best food in town! There he got his favorite Bolognese penne and he enjoyed every bite and brought some home to last for more days! Amy made him some special brownies and we gave him some nice gifts that he wanted, especially some new slippers and then we surprised him with a set of the whole "four seasons' of "BIG BANG THEORY", our favorite and his favorite program on the tube!
    Then on the 14th of February we had our 15th wedding anniversary! It was so wonderful! We really do have a good marriage full of love and we do talk to each other sternly when we feel the need, but never do we say mean or horrible things to each other! We got some beautiful and wonderful gifts from Amy! She gave us a Panera gift card and a Valentine cookie from Panera! She is so cute all the little sweet things she does for us and we do for her! There's alot of love here and that's what I live for! She even went and got us some pretty bouquet of flowers for an Anniversary/Valentines gift! We had a great day and dinner out and then we'll figure something else wonderful to do for our big 20th anniversary in 5 years!! LOL...
    Then yesterday, the 24th of February we had just recovered from a horrible day in "hell"! The "Uverse" man came out to set up our Internet to a faster one and he cut wires and undid our internet and our phone and then he left 3 hours later and we had NO SERVICE in either area! It took 3 hours on the telephone and 7 people to get someone to listen to us! Finally, we got someone to listen and to complain to but they then couldn't get anyone to come out and clean up the "Mess" that the guy made at our home, until the next day which was my 50th Birthday! Yes...we had to WAIT until they came to fix our internet and phone lines before we could do any real celebrating. We had the whole day planned and had to re-think everything and I was very distraught from the whole ordeal. I cried and cried for so long that I had a horrible headache because I was worried about our phone lines being cut!
   The AT & T guys came out on my birthday, Friday the 24th and they got there about 10:00am and stayed until 11:30 or so. Then we got to go to the mall and have my birthday lunch at Macy's and go shopping with each other alllllllll day long! I had to rest, of course, but we had such a wonderful day! Then after that fun day of shopping, we had a nice dinner at "Red Lobster" and I had stuffed seafood Tilapia and then went home for these special chocolate bumpy cake/carmel cupcakes that Amy had made special for me! A girl at her work does this for a living and makes cakes for people and these are the best, delectable yummy cupcakes I've ever eaten in my whole life!! GO AMY...YAY!!! Sooo those were great and she gave me a beautiful "MOM" bead for my "Pandora/Brighton" bracelet along with a gorgeous silver ring with a heart on it and inside it's engraved with "I love you Infinitey"! It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from her and so thoughtful and I love it ...along with the "infinitey" bracelet and necklace I had gotten for Christmas and now I have a set! LOL... Craig got me some lovely diamond stud earrings because I had lost one last year and was very sad about it! Then he took me out shopping all day and we enjoyed ourselves as he paid for things and I got to buy some fun and cute clothes and walked around with the people I love most in the whole world! What a great birthday I had this year! Oh and not to forget that last night we watched a funny and silly movie called "Horrible Boss's" and we celebrated with cake and ice cream..or I should say "cupcakes" that were wonderful and I have seven more to eat this week!! What a special day I had!! You can see some of the pictures below!! I hope you enjoy them!
  I wanted to tell you a little story! This week my husband was off of work on mid -Winter break vacation. He went to our Dr. for a physical. He walked into our Dr's office and my father was sitting there in the waiting room, waiting for either his girlfriend who was seeing the other Dr. in the practice or waiting to be seen himself? But he was sitting there when my husband went in and still sitting there 45 minutes later when my hubby was finished with his own appointment. 
     First of all, Craig sat down across from him so he would know that he wasn't uncomfortable around him! My dad put out his hand to shake hands and Craig shook his head and said  "nuh...no...nope...no thanks"! My dad looked down and says "How's Suzanne doing?" Craig says "awww she's doing GREAT! You'd NEVER know SHE's GOING TO BE 50 tomorrow (Feb 24th)!! My dad said "I was going to send her a card but last time I got "flack" for doing that last time!" Craig knows that's not true it's just that they don't talk to me and they do mean, spiteful and hateful things to hurt me. Why then would they send a card once every 10 years on my birthday??WHY BOTHER??That's exactly what I've said to any of them when they send a card every 10 years or so. I text or email and say "Why would you do that when you don't see or talk to me all year and all of the past many many years? What's the point in that?"
     Craig went into the exam room and came out 45 minutes later and my dad was still sitting there. I'm just assuming either he was waiting for the "other" Dr. there or he's waiting for his girlfriend who treated me so grossly disrespectful and abusive this past Summer when I introduced myself to her (as I've never met her in person before!!). To refresh your memory, we were at a Panera cafe' outdoors this past Summer at a free concert in the park. Craig and I were eating dinner at an outdoor table and talking with our youngest daughters old dance teacher. I looked up and saw my dad walking into the Panera and his girlfriend sitting by herself outdoors not far from our table. I walked up to her and kept a safe distance and I was dressed very nicely in a Summer dress. I introduced myself as "Bill's daughter, Suzanne". She gave me a hideous look, as if I was some kind of 'crazy person' and she got up, walked the LONG WAY around the table without saying a word to me and she left!!!!!!!!!!! My dad came out looking for her. He looked right at me and us! He then looked right through me! He said nothing and was continuing to look for "Shirley"! She motioned for him to "come" and he went with her and they left the area with their chairs in hand! 
   The thing that I won't and cannot understand is that at my father's sister's funeral just that past June in 2010; my favorite Aunt Vera had died. Craig and I went to the funeral and my father was there but no brothers and no girlfriend was there with him! I'm positive he didn't want them or HER to hear my Aunts' family saying positive and kind things about my husband and/or me. They were so nice! They said how I would "do my aunts hair and nails and how we went to visit her and played cards with her.." and more! Then I saw my father crying and his sister had just died so I wanted to be kind and I went up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back (because it was a big SHOW in front of everyone!!) and shook Craig's hand and told him "thank you for taking care of Suzanne all of these years"!!! I corrected him right away because NOBODY TAKES CARE OF ME! Craig and I take care of EACH OTHER! I didn't  like that at all! 
    Regardless, my dad put on a big show of phony "love" that dad in front of my cousin, my aunt's son; who he just had told before we walked into the funeral home; that he "wasn't ever going to be able to talk to me again because of what I've said about him"! All I've done was confront them in 1997! I didn't want anything but acknowledgement about the abuse...Nothing more and nothing less...but I got much more than I ever bargained for in the form of relentless abuse and attacks for the rest of my life more or less; or the rest of his and theirs?! The funny thing is that the next time we saw my father was at that Panera cafe in the Summer with his girlfriend! He looked straight through me/us and wouldn't say a word; and believe me, he saw me and us for sure 100% as he looked straight at me with a cold and evil look on his face! As you can see, he only will pretend to be "nice" to me when it suits him and when it's in front of people who do love me and care for me! When it was just "her" (his girlfriend who doesn't know me, never has met me and never even gave me a chance!!) he wouldn't even acknowledge my /our existence!
    Craig came out of the Dr's office that day and my father was still sitting there waiting. Once again my father put out his hand to shake Craig's hand. So once again Craig declined to shake my abuser's hand and said "no thanks!" Then he said "about the birthday card, Suzanne's angry with you...and rightly so!!!" Then he got on his coat and he left and came home to me! He told me what happened and now I wait for the repercussions of the incident! What will my abuser's (dad, 2 brother's) do to me next ? What will they do and /or say to show how angry they are that Craig wouldn't shake my dad's hand? What lengths will they go to? They'll want to "punish" him or us because they will look at it as 'Craig was "MEAN" to my dad!!! BUT he was not at all mean, he shouldn't have to shake hands with my abuser(s)!!! 
    All they have to do is tell the truth...My oldest also turned against me for many reasons: she didn't want to follow any rules. Also she tells people how she "forgave" her father for all of the abuse he did to the 3 of us and our dog "Bully", a Rottwieller we had for 4 1/2 yrs! But she treats Craig with disdain and he was always and has always been the best dad I've ever known! He loved her and was her 4th grade teacher and she loved him! He caught her lying to me and doing things and tried to let me know but I wouldn't believe it at first!! Until it was too late for me to take care of it and make her be a better person and to have her follow more rules. I just trusted, loved her and believed her and whatever she told me! I am hurt, heart broken and so very sad about losing my oldest daughter. It's just been so very long and it feels like every year and month and day, we grow farther apart!
    Thank you for reading once again and I hope your Winter is getting shorter and the days are getting longer for you! I cannot wait for the long and sunny days of Summer to arrive once again! Ciao~

MY FAMILY!>>>AND ME!!

these are the special carmel/chocolate "bumpy cake" cupcakes that Amy paid someone to make for me!

My gift

He got the boxed set of 4 seasons of "BIG BANG THEORY"...(the funniest show ever!)

our Family on Craigs' 58th birthday!

My little friend, "Ling Ling" in Singapore made these special bookmarkers.. for Amy and Me!

Craig on his 58th b-day!

My friend Nancy since 1982, sent this to me for my 50th b-day!

my big 50!

yummy cupcakes that Amy had made for me! *SPECIAL

yummy bumpy cake carmel/chocolate cupcakes!! MMMMM

Amy and me on my birthday!

MY good friend and "sister/like" person in my life, Nancy S., sent me one card, each day, for the 50 days prior to my 50th birthday! Isn't that the sweetest thing anyone's ever done? Well, it was for me...."Thank you Nancy, you're a blessing!" I had to put them all up and keep them all up for all 50 days!! Then I took this picture to save it forever!